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Ever since I was a small child growing up in the tight-knit communities of my rural Russian village, I've always been an observer, a voyeur, if you will. The world was a canvas painted with people, their desires, dreams, and compulsions. From the elderly couple next door bickering about the best way to prepare borscht рџЌІ, to the first bloom of love between teenagers situated under the amber glare of street lights, I soaked it all in. I was in the wings, collecting fragments of human emotions and experiences, using them as the fuel for my creative fire.
As I grew older, my thirst to observe, to explore, was dwarfed only by my desire to inhabit these myriad of personas that filled my mind рџ“Ћ. I yearned to feel what they felt, to navigate the complexities of their existence. That's when I discovered the liberating world of performance art and fantasy role-play. Nothing could quench my craving for human connection better.
Sometimes, I'd be a heartbroken lover, delivering a soliloquy of desperation and longing, tears streaming down my faceрџ’”. Other times, I'd be a proud warrior, wielding an imaginary sword, showcasing the raw power of resilience.рџ’Є Inhabiting these personas was like experiencing multiple lives within this single one. Each experience was a sweet, intoxicating drink that I gulped down without reserve.
There was a performance I recollect, one that was particularly unique from the rest. I was in the role of a seductive voyeur рџ’, a woman with the power to see through the veils of reality, spotting secrets that others hid even from themselves. I found myself onstage, baring my soul to an audience that was eager, waiting for the click to explore the depths of this character. Their eyes urged me on, this empowering, electric connection was something I reveled in. It felt raw. It felt real.
Yet as liberating as the performer's life was, I still found myself drawn to the silent observer's role. I adored the connection that sparked between me and the audience when I performed. But there was a different, quieter thrill рџљ in watching them react--their gasps of surprise, their hushed whispers, their applause echoing through the halls. It felt like I was glimpsing into their very souls, getting a peek at the raw, undiluted expressions they revealed only in the anonymity of the darkened theater.
Balancing between these two contrasting worlds was a dance, in rhythm with the pulsating beat of life. A swirl of raw emotion, bared desires and concealed thoughts – a gallery of living art that I helped create and yet, was an avid spectator of. The collective breath that the audience held before a dramatic turn, it was as much my creation, as it was their response. The lines blurred, the roles interchanged and that's the heart of what I do and who I am. An artist, a performer, a voyeur.рџ’рџ’. <a href=https://anussy.com/><img src="https://san2.ru/smiles/smile.gif"></a>
It was a dark Berlin winter, the kind that catches you off guard and seeps into your bones. I found myself asking the usual questions that people my age, thirty-six, dare to ask when the gloom overtakes us, "Is this all there is?" I’d spent a decade studying the intricacies of feminist theory, navigating the labyrinth of Gender Studies, and debating the relevance of the 2nd wave versus the 4th.
But that winter, something shifted. I stumbled upon a topic in a more obscure corner of my research: Tantra. Not the commercialized, sensationalized version that claimed to hold all the secrets of bedroom gymnastics, but a philosophy rooted in ancient Hinduism and Buddhism practices. My academic brain, both analytical and skeptical, was taken aback. I was moving away from theories and hypotheses and into emotional and spiritual territories. I became intrigued, curious. I decided to explore more than just the pages of academic texts. I wanted to experience it.
Before I knew it, I was tumbling headlong into local workshops, reading everything I could get my hands on, and even signing up for a week-long Tantra retreat in the quieter corners of Bavaria. My social media, once dominated by political discourse and academic achievements, was now filled with posts about chakras and energy flow. A blog post about my personal experience with a tantric breathing exercise got the tag "most viewed today." My colleagues were baffled. They didn't understand why I, a proud feminist, would explore a practice often misconstrued as promoting submissiveness and objectification. But the Tantra I was learning didn't fit into those predefined boxes.
As I immersed myself in it, I realized how much it resonated with my feminist beliefs. It was a practice of respect, a celebration of one's body as well as others', and a tool to deeply connect without losing one’s autonomy. It didn’t glamorize the idea of merging with another, but rather emphasized the importance of understanding and honoring one's own desires, boundaries, and emotional landscape. And the more I delved into it, the more I became aware of my own.
I'll be honest, it was not a smooth journey. There were moments of self-doubt, of frustration. Shedding my old skin, and the beliefs that had been imprinted on me, was both terrifying and freeing. I found myself softening, opening in ways that I hadn’t allowed myself before. And the more I opened, the more I found sources of strength I hadn’t known existed.
Tantra led me to question, to explore, to challenge not just my beliefs about sexuality and relationships, but my understanding of myself as a being, as a feminist, as a scholar. It opened up spaces inside me that my academic output could never reach. I am still the German feminist scholar I was, but now, I am more - more aware, more open, more curiously exploring the many facets of life and love. Even after all those books and debates, I realized I am still learning, and that is what keeps me alive, and kicking, and seeking. Tantra didn't answer my question, "Is this all there is?" Instead, it showed me that there is no end to what we can discover about ourselves and others, if we just allow ourselves to be curious. <a href=https://anussy.com/><img src="https://san2.ru/smiles/smile.gif"></a>
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